I’ve already talked (somewhat at length) about my forays into single player gaming since I have quit World of Warcraft a few months back. A part of me feels pretty bad about it sometimes. You see Stands In Bad, my guild through the majority of my time in WoW, was already feeling a slump with raiding. After several discussions among the officers we had decided to move into a multi-gaming community. We have guilds in LotRO, Rift, SWTOR, ESO, and possibly FFXIV (although we may have just joined up with an already established twitter community guild there, I honestly can’t remember). We’ve never been a large guild, even at our peak in WoW, so the community that followed us around from game to game has been smaller than normal, but by and large… I just kind of haven’t been a part of it.
See. I’ve been struggling with depression. It’s not what I would call severe, but there are some days where I just want to do my own thing and not be bothered with anybody. The problem is that here lately those “some days” has pretty much turned into “days that end in Y”. I play D&D with a few friends on weekends (i’m currently in 2 games and they’re all held online), and i’m still pretty active on twitter, but idk, here lately that feels like the extent of my desire for socialization.
And it kinda sucks. I miss my friends. I just… I can’t force myself to want to log into Rift (where most of them spend their free time these days) and hang out with them. And the fact that I feel this way is utterly ridiculous, because I KNOW they understand, but still the little brain weasels lie.
If you’re not familiar with the term, i’ll clarify. Brain weasels has kinda become the colloquialism for the things that Depression tells you that you KNOW are absolute bullshit, and yet you go along with them anyway because it’s just this kind of overwhelming force that you can’t really do anything about. Some days you’re stronger than others and can safely shut them up in a cage. The problem is that when you’ve done that, you can still hear them. Now, don’t mix this up with hearing actual voices in your head… that’s a completely different issue. This is things that your own brain is telling you, and it’s extremely difficult to overcome.
I digress. I know my friends don’t MIND (per se) that I haven’t been socializing with them much, but those blasted brain weasels keep telling me that they’re secretly rolling their eyes every time they see me log into Skyrim on Steam or everytime I just… don’t play with them on a gaming weekend or something like that. I know it’s not true, but damn if those things aren’t loud as hell sometimes. I do the best that I can to shunt them into the corner, but it seems like most days it just gets harder and harder. Hell, some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed and make dinner or do the dishes or something.
I try to keep this blog strictly about gaming and keep it a little less personal. That having been said, my depression is a part of who I am, and this blog, more than anything else, is ME through and through. I won’t apologize for anything I post about (unless I actually offend someone, and PLEASE let me know if I do) because it’s just me. My depression and my gaming have become kind of intrinsically linked together, and that sucks. Gaming has always been something i’ve done for fun. I still do, don’t get me wrong, but now while i’m having fun by myself i’m ALSO missing hanging out with my friends.
gaming Identity 
Your friends miss you, but we understand both the evil brain weasels, and the desire to just kind of chill out with yourself. Trust me, I’ve polled all of them. ❤
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Sometimes it’s really good to have that kind of reassurance. Thanks.
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If you need time alone, just take it. Your friends will understand, and if they don’t, well, not good enough friends. They will miss you of course, like you miss them. Remember you might probably not be good company either if you are feeling the need to be alone, forcing it wouldn’t work.
Their gaming moves on, even if you are there or not. They got their own things to do too (not trying to sound like a douche). It’s just your brain forcing on stupid thoughts. I say stupid because depression and I are very familiar with each other, he haunts me quite often. Not as much as MR Anxiety though.
At the end of the day, you can write whatever you want. And people like a bit of personal stuff on the blogs, makes you human, people can relate. Don’t be afraid to write about it if you feel the need. It can be very therapeutic.
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Oh of course you’re right about everything you said. And I’m my head I KNOW all that (and my friends do understand too) so it’s not like they’re ACTUALLY going to have an issue with it. It’s just those damn brain weasels or stupid thoughts or whatever you care to call them.
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I know, brain weasels have controlled me to many times. They still do at times. I just try to challenge them, if they say I can’t do something, I yell inside me “I CAN” and I try to do something that I think I can’t. Like making youtube videos, doing idiotic things like dancing moronic dances just to embarrass myself. And if I manage to challenge them, I won, and not that scared of doing that thing anymore. That is ofc more related to the anxiety, but it works for depression too, sometimes it tells me I am worth nothing, but then I write on my blog, and people who reads tell me that I am worth it.
With depression it’s important to set small small goals and try and do them. If you can do them, it’s a win, if you didn’t do them, it’s a win because you tried to make some effort. Even just setting up a goal is in itself a win, because you are trying.
For a time, getting up and taking a shower had to become a goal and a win for me. And bit by bit, the goal become bigger and better.
Maybe you just need to talk more to the depression, rather then cage it in. Shutting it away might not be the solution for you. Or something like that. I’m blabbering heh.
Anyways, make sure you at least try and stay in contact with your friends in one shape or form, be it twitter of FB. Maybe the interest of interaction will come back the more you talk to them.
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Heh. As I’m sure you well know, challenging the brain weasels isn’t always the easiest of tasks. I’m not saying you’re wrong of course, just that everyone fights their own battles in their own way.
As for my friends, I do still talk to them in Twitter, so I’m not a COMPLETE recluse… most of the time lol. And on top of that,I have my wife to help take care of me when I get especially bad, and she’s really quite good at it, especially since she struggles with her own depression at times.
Anyway, I appreciate the advice. It definitely gives me something to think about, which is never a bad thing. I think my biggest thing, right now, is going to be getting off of my night shift job. It’s really pretty wearing.
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Yes ofc, no one is the same and our struggles differ ! I didn’t mean to compare of course.
Happy you have someone besides you, it helps a lot. I imagine working nights isn’t helping, seeing less daylight and all.
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Thanks for sharing as it’s never easy to dive into a topic that’s personal.
Having time for just your gaming makes sense, I’ve been at the point of not wanting to offend anyone so going hidden on Steam to play a single player title without incurring the unlikely scorn of others or maybe just starting a conversation can be difficult if you’re not in the right frame of mind.
As my clan has been around for years, we’ve never been a large group and our numbers have remained the same for the last 4 years. However what I found interesting is that as we lost focus on the original games we played the feel of the group also changed.
Now it’s not unusual to find folks in a channel on voice, just nattering about our day to day goings on, but every single one of them is normally playing a different game.
For me It became apparent that we didn’t need to be doing the same thing to socialise in that way, when we wanted too.
Plus it offers a good alternative to hiding on steam at least 😉
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