I’ve already talked (somewhat at length) about my forays into single player gaming since I have quit World of Warcraft a few months back. A part of me feels pretty bad about it sometimes. You see Stands In Bad, my guild through the majority of my time in WoW, was already feeling a slump with raiding. After several discussions among the officers we had decided to move into a multi-gaming community. We have guilds in LotRO, Rift, SWTOR, ESO, and possibly FFXIV (although we may have just joined up with an already established twitter community guild there, I honestly can’t remember). We’ve never been a large guild, even at our peak in WoW, so the community that followed us around from game to game has been smaller than normal, but by and large… I just kind of haven’t been a part of it.
See. I’ve been struggling with depression. It’s not what I would call severe, but there are some days where I just want to do my own thing and not be bothered with anybody. The problem is that here lately those “some days” has pretty much turned into “days that end in Y”. I play D&D with a few friends on weekends (i’m currently in 2 games and they’re all held online), and i’m still pretty active on twitter, but idk, here lately that feels like the extent of my desire for socialization.
And it kinda sucks. I miss my friends. I just… I can’t force myself to want to log into Rift (where most of them spend their free time these days) and hang out with them. And the fact that I feel this way is utterly ridiculous, because I KNOW they understand, but still the little brain weasels lie.
If you’re not familiar with the term, i’ll clarify. Brain weasels has kinda become the colloquialism for the things that Depression tells you that you KNOW are absolute bullshit, and yet you go along with them anyway because it’s just this kind of overwhelming force that you can’t really do anything about. Some days you’re stronger than others and can safely shut them up in a cage. The problem is that when you’ve done that, you can still hear them. Now, don’t mix this up with hearing actual voices in your head… that’s a completely different issue. This is things that your own brain is telling you, and it’s extremely difficult to overcome.
I digress. I know my friends don’t MIND (per se) that I haven’t been socializing with them much, but those blasted brain weasels keep telling me that they’re secretly rolling their eyes every time they see me log into Skyrim on Steam or everytime I just… don’t play with them on a gaming weekend or something like that. I know it’s not true, but damn if those things aren’t loud as hell sometimes. I do the best that I can to shunt them into the corner, but it seems like most days it just gets harder and harder. Hell, some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed and make dinner or do the dishes or something.
I try to keep this blog strictly about gaming and keep it a little less personal. That having been said, my depression is a part of who I am, and this blog, more than anything else, is ME through and through. I won’t apologize for anything I post about (unless I actually offend someone, and PLEASE let me know if I do) because it’s just me. My depression and my gaming have become kind of intrinsically linked together, and that sucks. Gaming has always been something i’ve done for fun. I still do, don’t get me wrong, but now while i’m having fun by myself i’m ALSO missing hanging out with my friends.